LONER…

Do you ever just feel so lonely sometimes. Like no one is there for you. Like no one is going to help you go through your dark times. Like no one cares what you think. Like no one cares about you. They got you feeling like a loner..? Do you feel like you want to hide in a black hole with millions of books and just stay there for the rest of your days? Do you ever just feel so depressed that you don’t even know what’s right from wrong…? Do you?

 It all started when I went to my first school. I was in kindergarten. I was a foolish girl growing up. Cared about what others used to think of me, cared about what I had to wear to impress them and to become their friends. Had to act like I’m someone else, not myself, not anyone I wanted to be, just a loner trying to fit in. It was my thoughts controlling my brain. The thoughts of being lonely, the thoughts of me never finding friends ever again, the thoughts of me not being who I actually want to be. I was a smart girl growing up. Straight A’s in most my classes. Grade 2 was a bit more difficult but I managed to find a way out. I always knew I was smart inside, but the thoughts of my classmates laughing and giggling every time I answered a question was stuck in my head. That laughter haunted me more than any horror movie ever did. It was the choices I made in my head that bugged me the most. It was more than just thoughts controlling my brain to control me, it was far more than that. I had no control. Sometimes I had to act dumb so not to be laughed at. That’s how bad my childhood had been. Growing up with bullies surrounding you, at your school, living near you, and even my only friend was sometimes a bully to me. I didn’t get what the problem was. I used to come home every night crying like a 3-year-old who’s starving to death. My mom worked day and night and my father worked from home so no one really had time to listen to my depressing stories and hearing me cry. My parents did their best to keep up with me and my school, but what can they do when they both work themselves to death to keep me and my brother fed and clothed? It was too much for them to handle. My brother and I learned how to take care of ourselves at a young age. My parents had strict rules in the house, and that’s what really helped us both grow into very responsible kids. After grade 2, we left Syria and came flying to Canada. At first, I thought everything was going to change, a fresh new start with fresh new people who I’d never met and was eager to meet. But just after the first week of my new school in Toronto, the whole bullying rock hit me again. This time even harder. The kids in my class, or wait should I say the whole school (shahad stop trying to sugar coat it!) all hated me. At least back in Syria, they had other reasons to hate on me. One of them was being lonely with no friends. But at this school, everything was different. People hated me and my brother once they heard we were Christians. Like what..? They hated me because of my religion… they loathed me of who I was… that’s when I tried to hide my religion. That was when I really started acting dumb. I acted not just like a whole new another person, but I tried to hide who I was and who I believed in which was the most heartless thing I had ever done in my entire life and still regret it now. Looking back now, I feel really idiotic. I feel like I could have done something to stop all the hatred for all the Christians in my school (which were only 2 families out of 548 families. My brother, a girl older than me, and myself). My teacher also hated me. For some reason, I used to always catch her rolling her eyes at me whenever it was my turn to read or my turn to present. She tried to hide it, but it was very obvious she hated me. I never really knew the real reason why, but I just grew to get over it. Getting over all the hatred I was surrounded by. My parents had finally no work after we moved to Toronto so all they could think of was taking care of my sister, brother and I. After they heard about the religion bullying thingy, or whatever you want to call it, we moved schools immediately. In fact, that was the main reason we came here to Windsor. But now after moving to ICS everything changed. I was happier. Not to lie, there were some difficult times here and there, but nothing compared to my older schools. And now I finally got over my depression and my loneliness and making some great friends. 😉

Being different from others doesn’t give them a chance to bully you, make fun of you, your beliefs, your personality, your family, and you as a human being. We are all god’s creation and are all equal in the eyes of the above, why make others feel down when really, you’re the one who might deeply inside feel down about yourself. That is not who we are as humans, not who god wants us to be, nor what WE want to be. Take this message from me and don’t care what others think, because if you do, then they are not throwing rocks at you, instead, YOU are throwing the rocks at the mirror reflecting you.

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